MADISON, Wis. — It’s known as the most wonderful time of the year, but for those battling grief or depression, the holiday season can dig up some of the hardest moments of their lives.
“Unfortunately, this time of year can also be a reminder of who or what is missing from our lives,” said Brian McAvoy, a psychiatric provider and the founder of Elmbrook Psychiatry.
It’s easy for holiday cards, songs, and traditions to go from festive to triggering.
“All of a sudden, bam, you are saying ‘Why do I feel this way?’” said Dr. Diane Gooding, a psychology professor at the University of Wisconsin-Madison.
For someone grieving, it doesn’t matter how long ago the loss was, or what season is happening around them.
“Grief has its own timetable,” Dr. Gooding said. “I think that we should be aware that not everyone is feeling all that happy around this time and to be sensitive to that.”
It’s important to honor the loved one lost, McAvoy said, especially around a time as significant as the holidays.
“It’s always good to keep the memories alive of the individual that you’re missing,” he said. “So, you can have a charity in that person’s name, you can do the things that you knew, know, that person would have enjoyed, and you can inspire others to do those types of things.”
Another way to honor them, according to Dr. Gooding, is by serving others.
“I always found that doing things for others can also take you out of your own space, out of your own head. Volunteer somewhere,” she said.
If you have kids celebrating without their parent, grandparent, or other loved one physically present, Dr. Gooding says to make a new tradition.
“You might set a place at the table for them, or say, you know, we miss them too, and let’s have a special prayer for that person, or let’s have something special, let’s light a candle for that person, or let’s have something that acknowledges that person,” she said.
According to both experts, one should never feel ashamed to have feelings of grief like anger, anxiety, and crying spells.
“Be gentle with yourself. There are no ‘shoulds,’ there’s no one right way to feel, how you’re feeling is valid,” Dr. Gooding said. “You know, how you’re feeling is how you’re feeling.”
But if that escalates, it may be time to contact NAMI Dane County to connect to resources or dial the 988 Crisis Hotline.
“If it morphs into this overwhelming fatigue where you don’t feel like getting out of bed for several days or difficulty sleeping or sleeping too much and it’s gone on for several days,” Dr. Gooding said, “that’s when you might want to seek some out outside help.”
If you’re feeling physically distant from your family or friends during the holidays, McAvoy said it’s a good opportunity to recalibrate yourself.
“Even though it’s not a permanent thing. It just, it’s more the perception, it really feels like that,” he said. “So you want to ground yourself, you want to try to control something, a good place to start is controlling your breathing.”
Above all, experts say to avoid isolation, no matter how easy it might seem at the time.
“Be around people who care about you,” Dr. Gooding said. “Whether it’s a religious organization, or your support group, whoever that may be.”
If you know someone struggling this time of year, make sure they know they really aren’t alone.
“Make yourself available to that person, and display a non-judgmental mentality,” McAvoy said.
“See what they want, ask them how they need to be helped,” Dr. Gooding said, “and just getting that phone call. And just knowing that other people see you and value can make a big difference.”
If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health issues or considering suicide, there are resources available to help. Calling 988 nationwide will connect you to the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. In Dane County, Journey Mental Health Center has a 24/7 suicide prevention hotline at 608-280-2600.
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